A trip into my head

11:45pm: I have been sick or depressed for a week now. I'm not sure which is worse.

2:31am: mmmm
I complain a lot on this journal. But I guess since I try not to complain a lot while talking to friends, this is my outlet. Its all good.

Welcome to livejournal Kelsey!

I'm in a weird sort of limbo right now since I've been working in Midland. I don't feel like i live there, but I spend 4 days a week there. And I'm almost every weekend, but I also don't feel like I live here since i'm only here 3 days a week. Its a weird feeling. Not to mention that half of my stuff is still in my apartment in East Lansing. I'm just spread out everywhere right now.
Alright, its late, i'm tired.

-Currently i'm rockin out to the new DMB album, and its pretty good from what i've heard so far.

1:51am: In limbo
I've had a crush on this one girl for about a year now, and for the duration of this crush, I have been in limbo. We started talking a few weeks before I moved back up to MSU, and she doesn't go to state. Because of this, I never really considered moving forward and figured that she would probably be in another relationship soon (most likely one that is closer to her). But, her and I remained single for the past year.
We live a distance apart from each other, and thus don't often see each other. But everytime we hang out, I begin to fall into my "crush" mode for her. Now i'm at the point where I am sick of this cycle of liking her, not seeing her for awhile, hanging out and liking her again, not seeing her.... I just want to be with her and hope that it works out.
Since my last relationship (4 years ago, I counted today), i've been wiery to become too close with a girl. (side note, I sometimes look-up words that I use to verify if I am using the correct word, and i just looked up "wiery". I thought it meant "unsure", "worried", "scared", but instead it is a word for "wet", "moist", and "marshy". I'm just gonna go with it). Back to my story, I have been thinking about dating her for about a year now, and I cannot think of one good reason for me to not go for it. Shes just such an awesome person, super nice, the exact morals I live by, and very attractive.
Here's the problem, how do I approach this? Should I start calling her more? I'm afraid to do that because the last girl I liked said I called her to often (3 times a week). At the same time, if she starts calling me more often it would be mutual. Should I just straight up ask her? I feel that is a little forward, and I am super shy.
Just to mention, I am the most typical guy, maybe even below average, at being able to read signals from a girl. I straight up need a girl to tell me exactly what she is thinking and what she wants. I take little hints and signals as "jokes" or I just ignore them unintentionally. For example, a girl will say "I want to go home, would you like to take me?" and I would think "ok, then afterwards I can stop by my buddies place" or something along those lines.
I think this stems from low self-esteem. May it be a mild case, I am still affected because of my low confidence in my self. Tucker Max said it best about one of his good friends, one of his friends thinks that a girl who doesn't like him is dumb because he is great, but a girl who does like him is stupid because why should any girl like him. Its a screwed up catch-22 that I think i'm caught in.
To finish off my story, I really need to do something to keep this girls "friendship" with me strong and make it stronger. Shes perfect, and I really don't want to lose her.

7:33pm: i'm going to be alone forever
congrats to all the couples

1:34am: merry christmas
But it feels like late Wednesday night
early thursday morning
The older I get, the less magic there is in the holidays. And I guess thats why everyone tries so hard to stay young. When you are young, you have a first christmas, a second christmas, a third.... you have a number on which christmas this is. Then it just becomes another visit to grandmas house. Heres what i'm trying to say, when it is your third christmas, you only have two others to compare it to. So its a 50/50 if its going to be better or worst then those other times. When its the 21st christmas, the chances of it being average is almost a certainty.
blah
It all comes down to how I feel, and I feel numb. I haven't felt anything in awhile. I don't care. Nothing matters.
this is not a good thing
I vow next year to do something everyday that will make me feel something.
stop pretending
I am not who I want to be, I have become what is easiest.
i am lazy
Merry Christmas
i mean that

2:05am: seriously, why am i still single?
i feel like i am a great guy and would make an amazing boyfriend, but something is wrong. the girls that like me, i don't like, and the girls that i like, i am to shy to talk to.
its like when i put the thought into my head that i like a certain girl, she then becomes too good for me. and if the rare chance that she does like me, then she is dumb to like such a loser like me.
is it low self esteem?
i just need help, its like i need someone to hold my hand and help me choose a mate
do i really need a mate?
i think that if i found someone who really truly cared about me then they will guide me into the happiness that i have always wanted.
will i ever be happy?
in my life i have always strived to be better then i currently am, i always want more, better.
isn't everyone like that?
its like america's ideals are to be better and faster then the other person
do i really want to be?
i'm alone
and i'm sick of being alone
but noone wants to join me
whats wrong?

3:19pm: i am going crazy.

2:07am: I still have that image in my head of that couch.
Back some number of entries I talked about the place that I felt most happy, and I still dream of being at the place once again. I cannot recall exactly what my last post said, but basically the place I felt most safe and secure was sitting on a couch with the girl of my dreams watching tv. For some reason this is what I really want right now (im not sure if I mean right now in my life or just right now 2:30 in the morning). But sitting on a couch with not a care in the world is something I don't have. Wasting the day away, not caring about the world around, just relaxing with the one person who could spend the rest of their life with me.
Maybe I just don't know what i'm looking for. Is it happiness I crave? Well, what makes me happy?
That might be the hardest question to answer.
-Kirk

1:14pm: Habits
And once again I am beginning to fall into the habit of things. Monday and Wednesdays are looking very busy for me; I'm stuck on campus from 10am till 5pm. Even though it feels good to be into a consistent routine, it is very boring. Thus I come to this question.
Are does the term "good habit" exist?
Can a habit really be considered good when habit is just a step below addiction? Maybe thats a slight aggeration, but they seem to be similar. For example, working out would be considered a good habit, but what about all the time spent working out that should have been for doing homework.
I'm not really going anywhere with this, please forgive me.
Currently, I am 2 days away from becoming unemployed once again. Plus I am still in search for a summer internship. anyone have any suggestions for me? haha, nobody reads this.
till next time
-Kirk

3:09pm: Rave
Every once in awhile I download a few hours worth of techno music, then I pop it on my pod, and whenever I cannot decide what to listen to, techno is the choice. Today, this was the case.

Except, after listening to the first song, I decided that I would listen to the whole album. After 42 songs and 3 some hours of future trance, I came to a few conclusions.

1. I love techno
2. Techno is the one type of music that regardless of my mood, will pick me up and bring me into a new world full of excitement and joy.
3. I will meet the girl of my dreams at a rave.
4. Everyone should have at the minimum one techno song on their ipod/itunes (not including sandstorm)

I came to these conclusions when I was thinking about the strong like and dislike toward this genre. Lets face it, you either hate it or love it. Very few are in the middle. The haters usually have the defense of "repetition and annoyance". But the people who love techno have a million different reasons. I like it because (like i mention in my 2nd conclusion) it takes me to a different world (which just happens to be the name of a techno song). I fall into an ecstasy of sound and opportunities.

I want to become a club owner.

That is one of the best feelings in the world, to walk into a club at the beginning of the night, scoping out the scene, endless possibility of what could happen, who you could meet; a new start every time you walk in.

This is how I feel when I listen to techno.
Plus its good to dance to, and who doesn't like dancing?
Screw chicks, I just wanna dance.

-Kirk

3:22pm: start of a new year
Whats going on world.
I haven't written in here in what feels like years, actually i'm surprised this website is still around. I registered this account back in 2002. Anyways, I was thinking about starting a blog last week, but instead of creating a new account somewhere else, I figured I would just revive this one.
Well, i'm sitting in the basement of the law library (aka business library) waiting for my physics class to start. Mondays and Wednesdays are rough because I have all 3 of my classes and because there is a 2 hour gap between iah and math, then a hour and half gap between math and physics. Its nice because it gives me time to study (well, forces me to) while i'm stuck on campus from 10 to 5. This week along with last week were especially rough because I'm working at the Student Book Store as a temp. Tonight after class, I work from 6 to 9. Doing the math, i'm out of my apartment for 12 hours today. Blah, enough complaining about that.
How about some new year resolutions, or shall I call it a list of things I hope to complete, but pray that I lose before the end of the year so I don't have to recall all the things I failed to do.
1. Find what I am looking for (this will take a few years)
2. Find a summer job
3. Do a lot of drugs
4. Play guitar hero for 24 hours straight
5. Go to cedar point
6. Go to a water park
7. Roshambo with evan
Alright, this list is a complete joke if you couldn't tell (except #7). I give up.
Yesterday I went to the gym with the roommates. Afterwards I ate a large portion of chinese food. Do you call this counterproductive? or equalizing? or you could say a motivational factor, for if the chinese food never existed, I might not have went to gym. Regardless, I call it counterproductive. I'm trying to get in shape (or change my current shape of being "round") and by eating fatty food at a critical time (right after a workout) when my body needs to replenish itself is not just counterproductive, its negatively productive.

Till next time,
-Kirk

6:06pm: 1st snow fall 2007

12:04am: I feel like talking to someone, but I don't feel like calling anyone.
I'm just tired.
Tired of not looking forward to anything, meaningful.
I don't like getting drunk every friday night, but its the only thing I look forward to.
I haven't felt connected to anyone in a real long time.
Misplaced in such a big world.
Someone please take me home....

12:37pm: The greatest song ever written

My baby don't mess around because she loves me so that much i know fo sho....

2:01am: So, I guess a lot of people still read my journal ay? and by a lot i mean more then i predicted. and by my prediction i mean zero. tech, if your reading this, you are condisered to be "a lot".

Life is good.
I went home, and a lot of things fell into place for me, contradictory to what i expected. The whole ride back to rochester, i was already planning what was going to happen, friends too busy to hang out, no one picking up their phone/returning text messages, and going to see grindhouse. In retrospect, this was fine with me because of the amount of studying i needed to do.
Well, i come home and visited with family. Later that night after Kara got off of work, she called me and we met up for coffee for the first time in a long time. It was good to be able to talk to her on a personal friend level again. Then Evan and i watching the greatest show ever created (south park) and that was my friday. Saturday, i studied all day and went to mr.b's at night for mike beier's b-day (this was the night i planned to go to see grindhouse but cancelled to go to mikes). Afterwards, i stopped by egberts "parents not home" 4 person beer pong party. saturday night. then sunday i woke up stuided for chem and went to my aunts. then drove back up here and i am writing to my live journal. That was my weekend. Oh, my dad installed a new radio in my truck (if anyone read my entry from about a year ago when my radio got stolen) and he put a bed liner on the bed. so yeah
how was your easter?

1:21am: i love sprinkles

6:27pm: I don't know. i really don't know. It just seems to always end this way. I haven't felt anything in a long time. Just the motions, day by day; week by week. It all seems the same now. And if i don't have feelings, i make myself so intoxicated i can't feel what i don't have. I know many people feel like this, but it really is true. I feel alone in a room full of people i know. All in all i can complain and contemplate all day, i know my definites and the variables. It took me a while to figure out because some variables became known after stepping out from behind a sign of certainty.

in short, i miss love.
and i just want a hug.

/end gaysappyendtolivejournalpost

11:29pm: remember when livejournal was the biggest thing on the internet? now its all about myspace and facebook. weird how things change.
i am sick of holding on to stupid emotional ties and memories that will never happen again. if i continue on like this, i will become very bitter. i need to move on and find happiness in new friends and new past-times. its funny how you determine what makes you happy. maybe a favorite tv show, or a resturante, an alcoholic beverage, or just being with a close group of friends. and once you find your happiness, the rest of your life will be dedicated to experiencing that feeling again. i am still holding on to memories where i am infinte, sitting on her couch, watching tv, or not watching tv, and that is where i strive to be. not the kegger i'm going to on friday, not the top of a cedar point ride, not a combination of every drug pumping through my system at the same time, just sitting on that couch holding what i know would never end.

until i ended it.

now everything is different. that house isn't the same, what i held doesn't feel right, it isn't right. and to honest, i think the couch is gone. when i said goodbye, i threw everything i knew to make me happy down a garbage shreader. now i'm left with the junk that got stuck, its still there but cuts from the blade are deep, and cannot be repaired.

why can't i throw it away?

1:18pm: If i was to take this paper
and make a plane with it
i would imagine myself flying around the world
i would fly it everywhere
then i would imagine becoming the plane
and having wings grow out my arms
then i could fly people anywhere
and everywhere they choose to go
oh how simple life would be
and how happy i could be
from a simple design from a simple piece of paper
so much joy could be
cus its all about how you look at it
then you act upon that.

By: Kirk
(1st semester sophomore year)

12:01am: everybody has somebody.....

12:01am: Important Message!

3:51pm: current events
someone told me that livejournal is lame. so i'm going to put up a lame post about my week.
( Read more... )

4:32pm: Hey Ren, remember this?

Good times!

5:50pm: ...

12:46am: question
are you going to school on monday?