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A trip into my head

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25th December 2012

11:47pm: I should stop trying to find happiness and create it. Maybe next year she will be here to enjoy it with me...

25th December 2011

12:08am: Merry holidays, Happy christmas.
This Christmas, I had two gift options and could only have one. Either I could choose to be happy in a relationship with the love of my life, or the lions would go to the playoffs. So yeah, y'all all welcome.

Maybe next year....

16th October 2011

9:01pm: I strongly dislike all you happy couples and everyone who is engaged. Nobody should be happy until I'm happily with my special lady. And someone stoled my redbull.

25th December 2010

1:05am: I'm so tired of being alone... Maybe next year....
Merry Christmas

24th November 2010

12:12am: These two quotes really connected with how i'm feeling right now.

This first one was in part of a joke by Bill Hicks.
"All matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves."

Living alone, I've felt a new freedom that I haven't experienced before. A freedom to be myself and express myself by myself. I have really began to learn who I am, and at times I have scared myself. I spend a lot of time thinking, sometimes talking out loud as I would if someone was nearby. In this time of thought, I reflect on a lot of things, and the concept of death is a very common one. I cannot understand it, I can't figure it out, there is no answer, there is just the definite (in which death will occur to everyone and myself at one time, and only at the time will the question be answered). So, I struggle with the thought of this happening, and for awhile I was in the mindset that there is no purpose to move forward when everything is meaningless in the end. Quote Linkin Park "In the end, it doesn't even matter". But after discovering this quote by Bill Hicks, it gives a new perspective one the subject. Being an engineer, its hard to live in the world and not be able to answer every question. Constantly I am in search for the answer to every little thing that bothers me. And I can't find the answer to death. But this quote helps; by saying that death does not exist verifies that an answer to death does not exist. Its fully plausible that life can be a dream.

Wow, I didn't expect to write that much. This is what happens when I am sober for over 18 days.

This one is from the new Katy Perry song
"Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road"

I struggle with confidence and hope. For some reason, I cannot just accept things as they are and I must always question and find negative excuses for why things happen. For example, I call someone, they don't pick up. "well its because they don't want to talk to me" This is my first assumption; I know its probably wrong, but the seed of doubt has already begun to grow. 3-hrs later, no call back, well this confirms my initial thought. Another example, I see a girl at the bar, she is talking to a guy "thats her boyfriend, I have no chance". This is and always has been my assumption and even if it is right, I have this thing about me where I cannot even attempt to show interest in a girl if I know she is involved with someone else. Getting back to the quote, it gives me hope that maybe there is a reason I have been shut down and that I am single. And that reason is because I haven't found the perfect road yet. Fate. Then again, as I described in the beginning of this paragraph, it could all be because I see doors and assume they are closed.
I need to open the doors.
I need to assume that things are always positive and will work in my favor.
Where did this low self-esteem come from anyways?

12:10am on the Wednesday before thanksgiving. I have to get some sleep before work tomorrow.
(note: I have a crush, and I will ask her on a date very soon. Nothings going to stop me unless I stop myself)

13th November 2010

11:47pm: Life Accomplishments
Things that I have accomplished and I am proud of (Updated 04/05/13)

14 (Before Nov 2002) (Freshmen year)
-Started high school, played on a high school football team

15 (Before Nov 2003) (Sophomore year)
-Fell in love

16 (Before Nov 2004) (Junior Year)
-Drivers License
-Started in a Varsity Football Game
-Received an award for Best Scout Team player

17 (Before Nov 2005) (Senior year)
-(I don't know, I was pretty depressed for the first half of my senior year because of a lot of things)

18 (Before Nov 2006) (Freshmen year)
-Lead role in High School Play
-First plane ride and first time to Florida (Senior spring break to panama city beach)
-Accepted into MSU
-First frat party
-First one night stand (Halloween)

19 (Before Nov 2007) (Sophomore year)
-First apartment off campus
-Finally picked a major that I love

20 (Before Nov 2008) (Junior year)
-Interviewed and accepted a position with Dow Chemical

21 (Before Nov 2009) (1st Senior year)
-Drank my first legal beer
-Learned to golf and golfed my first 18 holes

22 (Before 2010) (2nd Senior year)
-Learned to Surf
-Ran my first 5k in 23mins30seconds
-Completed p90x

23 (before Nov 2011)
-Hosted an Electrical Engineering Bar Crawl (and DJed at PT's)
-Elected President of IEEE MSU
-Ran the Crim in Flint (10 Miles)
-Ran a half marathon, Brooksie way (13 miles)
-Offered a Full Time position with Dow Chemical
-Found the love of my life (A microbrew called Screamin Pumpkin Spiced Ale)

24 (before Nov 2012)
-Completed p90x again
-Ran my 2nd half-marathon in 95 degree weather
-Best man for my best friends wedding (Evan Peltier)
-Traveled to Europe for 3 weeks (London, Barcelona, Vienna, Prague, and Leipzig)
-Ran my 3rd half, first international-underwater marathon in Detroit

25 (before Nov 2013)
-Brewed my own beer

Future:
-DJ at a bar
-Song on iTunes
-Own a bar (co-own, have a say in opening a bar)
-Skydive
-Start my own business
-Record an album (piano/guitar) (Christmas themed?)
-Brew my own beer
-Travel to Europe

22nd October 2010

2:10pm: :)
When you have someone to think about, when you have someone you care about, when someone cares about you, when you see a future, when you have something to look forward too, when you can plan to see them again, when you can plan to talk to them again soon, when you have someone there, when you have someone.....

.....life becomes worth living for

21st October 2010

10:17pm: I'm just going to keep this journal for updates in my life and to complain / get things off my mind. Instead of calling someone and boring them, I can just rant in here and then read it 5 years later and laugh.

Currently, I am in Texas working as a co-op for the Dow chemical company! This is my 3rd term; my 2nd term was in Freeport, 1st in Midland, and this one in Houston. I have been living alone for the past 2 months down here, and its been lonely, but I've become accustomed to it. Work keeps me busy, and afterwords I have a routine of swimming, reading and then doing the Insanity workout program. I completed the P90X program last term down here, and now I am halfway through the Insanity one. Its pretty rough! But I figured since I have the time, why not try and eat healthy, workout, and wow my friends when I get back to Michigan in December. Its gonna be cold and I'm going to hate it. Its been in the 90s down here...

Well, since I have been down here, we (the co-ops) have gone to the Saint Arnolds Brewery, and almost every weekend, I have been meeting up with Mark Rosen (dan's bro) to watch the MSU games at this alumni bar that he found. Its been pretty sweet, and MSU has been kicking ass this year! 7-0 so far and the best in the big ten, ranked 8th! This upcoming weekend, I will be playing in the softball tournament with the electrical team. I have never played softball, but I pretended pretty good in practice so hopefully I'll do alright. Next weekend, we are going to Austin, TX for halloween weekend and that is going to be awesome! Austin is the city that Tucker Max lives in, if that tells you anything. I'm super excited for it. Then the weekend after, I'm going to visit Suchit in College Station (Texas A&M), which is also the wked of the OK game. Then my bday, then on the 21st, me and another co-op (Brian) are going to the Lions Vs Cowboys game at the stadium and that should be sweet! Then for thanksgiving, I may run a 5k in the morning, then not sure what I'm doing that night; Might go over to Mark's and eat turkey with him and his wife/her family. Then after that, I'll be headed back to Michigan. The next 6 weeks will be fast and fun!

Oh, also I have a new crush, well, its an old crush but new feelings have sprouted and hopefully something will happen. Wish me luck! :)

14th October 2010

12:56pm: so afraid of being alone but that is all i've ever known

30th September 2010

1:54pm: I'm in Houston
Thinking bout starting up a blog to write about my Texas adventures. Should I stay on here and post? or go to blogspot?

15th July 2010

11:07am: Writer's Block: I scare myself
What is your greatest fear?

Being alone.

22nd September 2009

11:45pm: I have been sick or depressed for a week now. I'm not sure which is worse.

27th June 2009

2:31am: mmmm
I complain a lot on this journal. But I guess since I try not to complain a lot while talking to friends, this is my outlet. Its all good.

Welcome to livejournal Kelsey!

I'm in a weird sort of limbo right now since I've been working in Midland. I don't feel like i live there, but I spend 4 days a week there. And I'm almost every weekend, but I also don't feel like I live here since i'm only here 3 days a week. Its a weird feeling. Not to mention that half of my stuff is still in my apartment in East Lansing. I'm just spread out everywhere right now.
Alright, its late, i'm tired.

-Currently i'm rockin out to the new DMB album, and its pretty good from what i've heard so far.

21st June 2009

1:51am: In limbo
I've had a crush on this one girl for about a year now, and for the duration of this crush, I have been in limbo. We started talking a few weeks before I moved back up to MSU, and she doesn't go to state. Because of this, I never really considered moving forward and figured that she would probably be in another relationship soon (most likely one that is closer to her). But, her and I remained single for the past year.
We live a distance apart from each other, and thus don't often see each other. But everytime we hang out, I begin to fall into my "crush" mode for her. Now i'm at the point where I am sick of this cycle of liking her, not seeing her for awhile, hanging out and liking her again, not seeing her.... I just want to be with her and hope that it works out.
Since my last relationship (4 years ago, I counted today), i've been wiery to become too close with a girl. (side note, I sometimes look-up words that I use to verify if I am using the correct word, and i just looked up "wiery". I thought it meant "unsure", "worried", "scared", but instead it is a word for "wet", "moist", and "marshy". I'm just gonna go with it). Back to my story, I have been thinking about dating her for about a year now, and I cannot think of one good reason for me to not go for it. Shes just such an awesome person, super nice, the exact morals I live by, and very attractive.
Here's the problem, how do I approach this? Should I start calling her more? I'm afraid to do that because the last girl I liked said I called her to often (3 times a week). At the same time, if she starts calling me more often it would be mutual. Should I just straight up ask her? I feel that is a little forward, and I am super shy.
Just to mention, I am the most typical guy, maybe even below average, at being able to read signals from a girl. I straight up need a girl to tell me exactly what she is thinking and what she wants. I take little hints and signals as "jokes" or I just ignore them unintentionally. For example, a girl will say "I want to go home, would you like to take me?" and I would think "ok, then afterwards I can stop by my buddies place" or something along those lines.
I think this stems from low self-esteem. May it be a mild case, I am still affected because of my low confidence in my self. Tucker Max said it best about one of his good friends, one of his friends thinks that a girl who doesn't like him is dumb because he is great, but a girl who does like him is stupid because why should any girl like him. Its a screwed up catch-22 that I think i'm caught in.
To finish off my story, I really need to do something to keep this girls "friendship" with me strong and make it stronger. Shes perfect, and I really don't want to lose her.

15th June 2009

7:33pm: i'm going to be alone forever
congrats to all the couples

25th December 2008

1:34am: merry christmas
But it feels like late Wednesday night
early thursday morning
The older I get, the less magic there is in the holidays. And I guess thats why everyone tries so hard to stay young. When you are young, you have a first christmas, a second christmas, a third.... you have a number on which christmas this is. Then it just becomes another visit to grandmas house. Heres what i'm trying to say, when it is your third christmas, you only have two others to compare it to. So its a 50/50 if its going to be better or worst then those other times. When its the 21st christmas, the chances of it being average is almost a certainty.
blah
It all comes down to how I feel, and I feel numb. I haven't felt anything in awhile. I don't care. Nothing matters.
this is not a good thing
I vow next year to do something everyday that will make me feel something.
stop pretending
I am not who I want to be, I have become what is easiest.
i am lazy
Merry Christmas
i mean that

13th December 2008

2:05am: seriously, why am i still single?
i feel like i am a great guy and would make an amazing boyfriend, but something is wrong. the girls that like me, i don't like, and the girls that i like, i am to shy to talk to.
its like when i put the thought into my head that i like a certain girl, she then becomes too good for me. and if the rare chance that she does like me, then she is dumb to like such a loser like me.
is it low self esteem?
i just need help, its like i need someone to hold my hand and help me choose a mate
do i really need a mate?
i think that if i found someone who really truly cared about me then they will guide me into the happiness that i have always wanted.
will i ever be happy?
in my life i have always strived to be better then i currently am, i always want more, better.
isn't everyone like that?
its like america's ideals are to be better and faster then the other person
do i really want to be?
i'm alone
and i'm sick of being alone
but noone wants to join me
whats wrong?

11th February 2008

3:19pm: i am going crazy.

20th January 2008

2:07am: I still have that image in my head of that couch.
Back some number of entries I talked about the place that I felt most happy, and I still dream of being at the place once again. I cannot recall exactly what my last post said, but basically the place I felt most safe and secure was sitting on a couch with the girl of my dreams watching tv. For some reason this is what I really want right now (im not sure if I mean right now in my life or just right now 2:30 in the morning). But sitting on a couch with not a care in the world is something I don't have. Wasting the day away, not caring about the world around, just relaxing with the one person who could spend the rest of their life with me.
Maybe I just don't know what i'm looking for. Is it happiness I crave? Well, what makes me happy?
That might be the hardest question to answer.
-Kirk

16th January 2008

1:14pm: Habits
And once again I am beginning to fall into the habit of things. Monday and Wednesdays are looking very busy for me; I'm stuck on campus from 10am till 5pm. Even though it feels good to be into a consistent routine, it is very boring. Thus I come to this question.
Are does the term "good habit" exist?
Can a habit really be considered good when habit is just a step below addiction? Maybe thats a slight aggeration, but they seem to be similar. For example, working out would be considered a good habit, but what about all the time spent working out that should have been for doing homework.
I'm not really going anywhere with this, please forgive me.
Currently, I am 2 days away from becoming unemployed once again. Plus I am still in search for a summer internship. anyone have any suggestions for me? haha, nobody reads this.
till next time
-Kirk

15th January 2008

3:09pm: Rave
Every once in awhile I download a few hours worth of techno music, then I pop it on my pod, and whenever I cannot decide what to listen to, techno is the choice. Today, this was the case.

Except, after listening to the first song, I decided that I would listen to the whole album. After 42 songs and 3 some hours of future trance, I came to a few conclusions.

1. I love techno
2. Techno is the one type of music that regardless of my mood, will pick me up and bring me into a new world full of excitement and joy.
3. I will meet the girl of my dreams at a rave.
4. Everyone should have at the minimum one techno song on their ipod/itunes (not including sandstorm)

I came to these conclusions when I was thinking about the strong like and dislike toward this genre. Lets face it, you either hate it or love it. Very few are in the middle. The haters usually have the defense of "repetition and annoyance". But the people who love techno have a million different reasons. I like it because (like i mention in my 2nd conclusion) it takes me to a different world (which just happens to be the name of a techno song). I fall into an ecstasy of sound and opportunities.

I want to become a club owner.

That is one of the best feelings in the world, to walk into a club at the beginning of the night, scoping out the scene, endless possibility of what could happen, who you could meet; a new start every time you walk in.

This is how I feel when I listen to techno.
Plus its good to dance to, and who doesn't like dancing?
Screw chicks, I just wanna dance.

-Kirk

14th January 2008

3:22pm: start of a new year
Whats going on world.
I haven't written in here in what feels like years, actually i'm surprised this website is still around. I registered this account back in 2002. Anyways, I was thinking about starting a blog last week, but instead of creating a new account somewhere else, I figured I would just revive this one.
Well, i'm sitting in the basement of the law library (aka business library) waiting for my physics class to start. Mondays and Wednesdays are rough because I have all 3 of my classes and because there is a 2 hour gap between iah and math, then a hour and half gap between math and physics. Its nice because it gives me time to study (well, forces me to) while i'm stuck on campus from 10 to 5. This week along with last week were especially rough because I'm working at the Student Book Store as a temp. Tonight after class, I work from 6 to 9. Doing the math, i'm out of my apartment for 12 hours today. Blah, enough complaining about that.
How about some new year resolutions, or shall I call it a list of things I hope to complete, but pray that I lose before the end of the year so I don't have to recall all the things I failed to do.
1. Find what I am looking for (this will take a few years)
2. Find a summer job
3. Do a lot of drugs
4. Play guitar hero for 24 hours straight
5. Go to cedar point
6. Go to a water park
7. Roshambo with evan
Alright, this list is a complete joke if you couldn't tell (except #7). I give up.
Yesterday I went to the gym with the roommates. Afterwards I ate a large portion of chinese food. Do you call this counterproductive? or equalizing? or you could say a motivational factor, for if the chinese food never existed, I might not have went to gym. Regardless, I call it counterproductive. I'm trying to get in shape (or change my current shape of being "round") and by eating fatty food at a critical time (right after a workout) when my body needs to replenish itself is not just counterproductive, its negatively productive.

Till next time,
-Kirk

1st December 2007

6:06pm: 1st snow fall 2007

25th June 2007

12:04am: I feel like talking to someone, but I don't feel like calling anyone.
I'm just tired.
Tired of not looking forward to anything, meaningful.
I don't like getting drunk every friday night, but its the only thing I look forward to.
I haven't felt connected to anyone in a real long time.
Misplaced in such a big world.
Someone please take me home....

23rd April 2007

12:37pm: The greatest song ever written

My baby don't mess around because she loves me so that much i know fo sho....
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